I used to be such a burning example 
I used to be so original 
I used to care I was being cared for 
Made sure I showed it to those that I love 
I used to sleep without a single stir 
'Cause I was about my father's work 

Take me out tonight 
The ship of fools I'm on will sink 
I'm my own stone around my neck 
Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give 

I used to pray like God was listening 
I used to make my parents proud 
I was the glue that kept my friends together 
Now they don't talk and we don't go out 
I used to know the name of every person I kissed 
Now I made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it 

Take me out tonight 
The ship of fools I'm on will sink
I'm my own stone around my neck 
Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give 

Throw me that lifeline 
The ship of fools I'm on will sink 
I'm my own stone around my neck 
Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give 

So take me out tonight 
The ship of fools I'm on will sink 
I'm my own stone around my neck 
Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give 

To save my life tonight 
The ship of fools I'm on will sink 
I'm my own stone around my neck 
Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give

B-leh.

We learn from our mistakes, our pain, our experiences.  But we're also told not to be caught in them.  I only know how to say this through personal experience so... here we go... narcissism again.  An example from my life.

Leading up to this Christmas I had a lot of fear.  It seems that a lot of really, really (and I mean really) bad things have happened around the holidays.  Family things mostly.  So going into the season I was scared.  Terrified, actually.  I thought I knew what my bad thing would be.  I thought it would be very similar to two Christmases ago but I was wrong.

Then my mom's mother went into the hospital and I went into "freak out" mode as Mom would call it.  I was so convinced that this Christmas was going to be remembered for Mamaw's bad health... or worse.  I started thinking about how this has happened to more families than ours... holidays are just a bad time altogether.  I kept it quiet to all but Mom.  She was probably the last person who needed that.

She turned out to be okay but the fear that gripped me was... tragic.  I cried.  I know I acted like a baby but I cried.  And I prayed, which was the only good reaction.

This fear hasn't gone though.  I have a horrible feeling that something is going to happen in this other area of my life.  It's a pretty specific area and I can almost see a very specific thing happening... again.  In almost the same way.  No... exactly the same way as the dreaded "two Christmases ago" (cue soap opera music).  And even though I have nothing to base anything on and I have no rationale to my fears... I'm scared to death.  Terrified.  I've moved on from the past.  Learned from it.  And I don't want to go down that road again.

I'm trying really hard to keep this general and cryptic now.  See this situation two Christmases ago was a huge learning experience.  It was a lot of pain and there's what I feel should be a lot of regret.  I've matured through this situation and I've vowed never to make the same mistakes again.  I've vowed to keep a level head, to stay committed to God's will, to never be a disappointment to Him again, to never set myself up for disappointment again... etc.  Okay.  Good, fine. 

But then... if it happened again and I thought I was preventing it... why?  Okay... so why do I think it's happening again even though it's probably not?  I mean... what happened was bad.  BAD.  I don't lay all the blame on other individuals but I was disrespected in the way it was handled.  And I'm so scared it will happen again.  As I fight between insecurities and pride... insecurities about insecurities (lol)... pride about "how dare they"... confusion about how I handle myself... retracing the lessons of the past and... allowing in cynicism and defeatism... etc...

But that's just it.  When we have these fears, don't we have a multitude of voices in our head giving us loads of unsolicited advice?  Am I the only one struggling to move on and still benefit from my past? 

So where should we draw that line?  Can we comfort ourselves with the reminder that the past is the past, or are we left to torture ourselves with the idea that the lessons we learned are about to be applied?  Are those lessons meant to prevent re occurrence or are they meant only to help us handle it again?  Are there certain things that will always happen to us... are there cycles in our life that are given to us on purpose?  Could even God be suspected of sending the same trials our way multiple times, just because He knows we have learned how to handle them?  Does He want me to go to Him for healing again or can't it be enough to know how capable He is? 

I know I'm selfish and I know I shouldn't be scared.  But I am.  In the end I'll be shown there was nothing to worry about but until then I'm leaning on God.  I'm clinging to Him as if through a haunted forest.

I guess in all of it, that's really what He wants.

There are these things in my life that I know I shouldn't care about, but I do anyway.

And then I remind myself that I shouldn't care about them, and I worry about that.

And then I think, "well, maybe I should care." 

The decision to care or not to care about something typically brings up a multitude of other issues attempting to determine whether something is my business, whether it's a choice that's even in my hands, whether it's worth worrying about, or many other "whether"'s.

And then I try to be apathetic for the sake of sanity.  I tell myself I'm gonna "go with the flow," follow another's lead, or just pray for an individual or situation. 

And then I start analyzing again.

And then there are these things in my life that I "know" I shouldn't care about, but I do anyway...

I was at my home church's Living Christmas Tree tonight.

(My sister was Mary.)

I was listening to a trio sing and started thinking.

I started wondering if people were really being entertained by a singing tree.  I started wondering if a Living Christmas Tree was still relevant enough to bring people in.  I started wondering if maybe we were only gonna reach the ones that were a little backwards and that we'd find other methods for other folks.  I started wondering if it mattered whether it was culturally relevant, since we'd still reach someone.  Or would we?  I started wondering what the big deal about a Living Christmas Tree was.  Then I started realizing that unchurched people don't hear live music all the time like I do.  Then I started realizing that was viewing it like entertainment.  Then I started wondering if we should have that on a typical day or if it should be for special occasions.  Then I started wondering why we call them "specials" when we have at least one every service. 

Then I started analyzing the trio as a small group.

And then I realized that I should be paying more attention to where I was and what I was doing and save my silly thoughts for later.

(I whooped and yelled for my sister during the appreciation clapping at the end.  Ah, the joys of standing out in an uber-conservative Baptist church.  )

And then I came home to realize how many more important questions were going to be asked of me...